Almost terrible twos

My little guy is sick with a double ear infection again. He seriously hasn’t been well one whole month this year. A nurse once told me that there’s a magic switch that happens with these type of kids when they turn two. Evidently, they miraculously never really get sick anymore. I’ll believe it when I see it. But being home with him made me realize how much he’s growing up. He’ll be two in a little over a month and he’s already acting like a big kid. So in honor of his upcoming birthday, here’s my list of signs that you are entering the terrible two phase.

1.  They insist on eating off YOUR plate even if it’s the exact same food as theirs. Let’s face it, nothing tastes quite as good as someone else’s stuff. There was a time when he only cared about what I put in front of him and he focused so much energy in getting as much food put in his mouth as he could. Now he refuses his food on his plate, but will more than gladly eat all of yours.

2. In relation to food, his utensil picking abilities far out weighs your own. Ever since he got tall enough to open a drawer, you better believe he’s been the utensil decider for his meal. I mean who needs a spoon for soup anyway? A fork will most certainly do.

3. Your kid learns how to out smart you when it comes to food. True story: the other day he wanted a snack. He wanted a cookie but it was still morning time and we don’t allow stuff like that until after lunch. So I told him he had to pick something else out. He protested a little but he decided on applesauce, you know, those pouch applesauce things. Well, we put all the food he got out of the cabinet (You know those child safety latches that are supposed to keep them out? Yeah, no. They watch you and learn how to open them. Seriously. I came in to the kitchen one day when he was about 14-15 months old and everything was out of the cabinet. I knew at that moment that this kid was way too smart for his own good lol) and I opened his applesauce and handed it to him. I got “no”. What do you mean no? He grins and walks away. SERIOUSLY?!  So this is when the battle began (yes I know I’m talking about battling an almost 2 year old. I choose my battles and this was one I was willing to fight lol). I told him no more food until he ate all the applesauce that he wanted. I got the “uh uh” (no) and I  sat the applesauce down and reiterated the rule and sat down. When it was obvious that he wasn’t going to try any, I got up and went to change out of my pjs and into my regular weekend clothes. When I came back, the applesauce had mysteriously disappeared. I asked him where it was. He looked around, shrugged his shoulders and looked at me with this “I’m just as surprised as you are that it’s missing” look. I look on the floor, not there. I go look in the trash, not there. I look in all the obvious places and all I can think is, “well played, my son. Well played”. See I can admit when I’ve been out played (I was secretly proud of how smart he was and couldn’t help but laugh). By the way, I found it tucked away BEHIND some toys on the shelf. It was half-eaten so it was a semi-victory lol.

4. Speaking of hiding food, they hide/throw away things. I’ve found my phone in the trash and conveniently next to the dog bowls. I guess he thought the dogs needed to call someone and he was just giving them some help.

4. TV starts to be taken over. Seriously, I watched Monsters, Inc. like a hundred times this weekend. We were sick so obviously we weren’t feeling up to going outside and playing, so we vegged out on the couch. Every time I tried to change it to something else all I heard was “TB TB TB TB” (his version of TV) and “monter monter monter” (monsters) until I restarted the movie or changed it back. Sometimes he just wanted me to start it over in the middle of the movie. No matter how many times I would tell him you are watching Monsters he’d still say “‘gan” (again) and I’d have to restart it.

5. They want to take showers…with you…every day. Yeah….let that sink in. Remember hearing no more privacy when the kids come along? It just got real.

6. The potty dilemma. My kid loves to sit on the potty. So he’ll come tell me that he has to go potty and we’ll sit there, and sit there, and sit there. I can count on my hand the amount of times he’s actually gone. Sometimes we’ll be sitting there a while and he’ll tell me all done I say ok, put diaper back on, and one minute later he’s pooped in his pants. WHY?! I don’t know. I’ll worry about that if he’s like 3 and still not potty trained. I’m definitely proud that he likes the potty though, BUT, that stems from the no privacy thing I just mentioned.

7. Brushing teeth can be a chore. Not because he doesn’t want to brush them, he loves teeth brushing time. Oh no, he loves to EAT the toothpaste. It’s a constant battle. I’m not allowed to brush his teeth (I do it anyway because they’d never get brushed if I didn’t) because he’s too busy sucking the toothpaste out the the brush like some kind of toothpaste addict.

8. They get crazy quirks. For example, when my husband is home, I’m permitted to get my child dressed top to bottom except when it comes to putting on the last shoe. Daddy has to put on his shoe. It’s a weird, weird thing, but if daddy’s home and he doesn’t put on his shoe like he asks, he’ll throw the biggest fit (this is a battle I don’t fight. Daddy always has to wake up to put on his shoe).

9. The playing of the parents starts and we are “mean” and we need punishments too. Seriously, if I tell him he can’t have something, he runs to my husband and tells him I’m mean and then asks him for the very thing that I just told him he couldn’t have. Yesterday, we went to pick up his new meds for the ear infection since they weren’t clearing up, and we had to go in the direction like we were going to get gas/McDonalds. They know the way to McDonalds. y’all. He started saying, “donals”. I’m like “no honey, we are getting your medicine and going home”. When I turned the opposite way from McDonalds to go home, he kept saying “stop” and “donals” ALL the way home. As punishment for not taking him to “donals”, he didn’t allow me to get him down from his high chair; only daddy could. Little did he know that wasn’t a punishment and I silently giggled at my husband finally having to have to clean him up after a meal (not that he’s never done it, it’s just far and few between).

10. They start to tell you how they feel. This is seriously the best thing since sliced bread. He told me he hurt the other day (can I get an ahem for not more guessing!), that he was scared (it was dark), and that he loved me (seriously best words ever). .

BONUS: They wake up at 4:30–ask for some juice, a cookie and “TB”. Umm no…you can have some water with a side of go back to sleep–which he did, but only after I had to get back up to get ready for work.

Seriously, this kid keeps me on my toes, but these are memories I will cherish forever and ever. He’s the smartest, meanest/sweetest kid I know and I wouldn’t want to go through the terrible two’s with anyone else. I only wonder if this is what one is like, what am I in for for two?

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